THE BIG FREEZE

I have written before about the our weather here this winter. I just want to say a bit more. Sorry, Bill, no pictures this time. They would just show piles of snow. Ho-hum!
I looked at our local CBS weather site for records we broke - nothing. If you want to see the temperatures here in the Toledo, OH, area, check it out. I won't try to find it for this blog.

HOW COLD WAS IT, JUDI?

It was so cold my butter, sitting on the counter, was as hard as it would be in the refrigerator.

It was so cold I went to bed four nights fully dressed - only kicked off my shoes.

It was so cold even my down comforter wasn't enough to keep me warm. I wrapped my knees

(which feel the cold terribly) in a wool lap robe and put my wool afghan on top of the comforter.

It was so cold when I went to the basement to do my laundry I wore my winter coat.

It was so cold many nights my inside thermometer, registering the outside temperature, was a

minus degree.

It was so cold that same thermometer showed minus degrees when I got up in the morning.

It was so cold schools were closed many, many days. 

It was so cold the city shut down. One night I counted 69 closings that scrolled on the bottom

of my TV.

It was so cold I dragged the wool afghan from chair to chair to cover my lap. When I sat down

at night, in my favorite chair, I had a wool shawl wrapped around my shoulders, the wool

afghan over my lap and the wool throw wrapped around my knees.

It was so cold that I wore layers of clothes, sometimes three layers.

It was so cold that we all waited until today to go out and do errands because it is...... are you

ready.......30 degrees. Oh my gosh, we're having a heat wave!

Through all this cold, cold, cold, cold weather the furnace ran. Through this cold weather our

water pipes held fast. Through this cold weather our cars started. And the sun shone many

days. I suffered from cabin fever a few times but at least the sun came through the windows

and it helped cheer me up. Soon it will be February and before we know it, it will May and June

and we can bitch about the heat. 

Unique and Unusual Elephants

Once upon a time, in a faraway land in Africa, there lived a herd of unique and unusual elephants. They were short and tall, fat and thin, wiry and bony, pink and blue, metal and glass. They were a
happy bunch of elephants who spent their time among the unique and unusual flora, eating fruit and grasses and the leaves of the tradescantia pallida, or wandering jew, and schefflera, or, as we call it, the umbrella tree.
One day, Pinkie, the big, fat, fuzzy momma elephant, said, "Let's have a picnic down by the lake".
The rest of the herd agreed and began to gather fruit and greenery, plus some libation.

The elephants played tag and hide and seek (which was hard to do because of their size)

and frolicked in the lake. Some of the elephants laid on the beach, reading and

chatting with each other. SUDDENLY, the sky darkened and, instead of rain,

table lamps fell from the sky!!

Chalky, the tall white elephant, had a severe injury to the back of his head. Funky, the pretty

little girl elephant, lost an ear and part of her tusk. The paramedics were called (because

every one of the elephants had an iphone) and the injured elephants were quickly rushed

to the veterinarian hospital. Bill, the famous elephant vet, was staying at his

pied-a'-terre in Cleveland.

He was busy baking an apple pie but dropped what he was doing, jumped on a plane and soon arrived in Africa. He was rushed to the veterinarian hospital where he operated on Chalky.

Chalky is recovering nicely, for those of you who are concerned. Funky has to wait for

another vet, who does plastic surgery and the attaching of body parts. They are even hopeful

that Funky's tusk can be re-attached. Probably going to use Crazy Glue, if they can find a

gallon around somewhere.

The elephants returned home to find that they were famous! They were on the news, on

CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC and PBS. Fox News reporter, and crazy man, Glenn Beck,

reported that President Obama was seen throwing table lamps out of a plane that was flying

over Africa. Unfortunately, no one got a picture of it. Isn't that strange?!?

When Bill, the vet, returned to his home in Cleveland, he was shocked to find the house

burned to the ground! He had forgotten to turn off the stove and the apple pie.... well,

you know what happened. It is reported that Bill has decided to move to Sylvania, OH.,

a small village to the west of Cleveland. 

NOW TO THE TRUTH!!!!

I wanted to do a blog about my elephant collection so I gathered them up and put them on the

window seat. I was doing a jigsaw on the table and the board scooted to the left and knocked my table lamp right on the elephants. The two elephants in the picture with the killer lamp did break

when the lamp went flying. As I sat there looking at this catastrophe, a story started to

form and this is what the outcome was. Did you notice the elephants on the bags

with the fruit and flora?  And, Bill, did you notice your name???   :-)

And, lastly, the lamp was not injured.

COLD......MORE COLD.........AND MORE COLD

I am living in a time that has made the record books. We are in an Artic Blast, as our local ABC channel calls it.
We are breaking records. This is what our ABC local channel said - We had -15 degrees on Monday
breaking a record made in 1884. On Tuesday it was -14. Haven't had that since 1994. National news  tell
us this - a prisoner escaped a prison and then turned himself in because it was so cold.
When I got up this morning my inside temperature guide said it was -12 outside. I felt like it had come inside! This apartment leaks the heat out and and the cold in. As an example - I had a plate of butter
on the kitchen counter and it was the same consistency as if it was in the refrigerator. A dishcloth usually dries overnight. This A.M. it was a frozen lump. The thermostat is set @ 76 and the inside temp is 64. Poor furnace just can't keep up. I have three layers on below - pants, thermal underwear and two
layers of slacks - top has thermal underwear, fleece top and sweatshirt. I keep my feet up on a variety
of footstools because the floor is sooooooooooooo cold. (When I re-did the living space I had the carpet
torn up {Billy did this} and had the floor painted. That left me with little buffer for the cold from the basement).
I got an e-mail from my friend in Florida who said, in a sad voice, "It is only 32 degrees here". What I would give for 32 degrees. She sent me this wonderful story and I want to share it with you.
Whoever you are who wrote this: I give you full credit for it but I just MUST share it!

DIARY OF A DEMENTED SNOW SHOVELER                           

December 8: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and
sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses print. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the land-
scape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was
the best idea I ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me
not to worry. We'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the
wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was out for five
hours. I had to pile on the blankets to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 18: Electricity is back on but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snowblower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will do it and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell
today and it's so cold it probably won't melt til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out and shovel. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2 inches of snow today and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate
the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She said she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6 inches - snow packed so hard by snowplow I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols and open our presents
but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow

December 25: Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn stuff tonight. Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's an idiot. If I have to watch "A Wonderful Life" one more time I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea! She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of
waiting for him. He only charged me $1400 to replace the pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the
silliest thing I've ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver and now he is suing me for one million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his
ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9 more inches predicted.

December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

When I got this from my friend Carol and read it, I laughed until I cried and at one point, had trouble
catching my breath. My BFF, Marlene, has no computer so I called her and read it to her and, again,
had a laughing fit. Now, as I type this, I am laughing and when I proof-read it I laugh again. I
don't know if the readers of my blog will find it as funny as I have found it, but I don't give a shit
whether you do or not. I do!

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

In the Yarn Envy newsletter for December,  I wrote,

"On the 14th of December it started snowing and it snowed

and it snowed and it snowed. The snow covered the brown grass

and the barren tree limbs and made the world outside my window

all clean and white. On the 20th of December, it started to rain

and it rained and it rained and it rained. The rain washed the snow away

and the brown grass showed and the bare tree limbs showed

and it was dreary and sad. (I wanted to say, "Bah, humbug"

but me friend said I couldn't so I won't)"!

Now it is January 2 and the white stuff is back.

It is pretty deep this time - over 10 inches. 

Above is my car, covered and cleaned off and covered again.

See the big pile to the left of the car?

Emptied of flowers and herbs, the pots sit shivering in the snow.

In front of the red brick building and beyond the tree is Main Street. 

You can hardly see the blacktop. I do not think the city has plowed.

Some people have "rain catchers" that measure the rainfall.

My newel post is my measurer of snow. Some of it has been

blown away but that cone-shaped pile is 8 inches high.

I have books to read, word puzzles to solve, dvd's to watch

(Seasons 2 & 3 of Downton Abbey, old Boston Legal episodes

and the final episode of Prime Suspect and...........

could do a 3 day marathon of Tom Hanks movies), 

jigsaws to do, 3 boxes of wine and a freezer full of food.

So........let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

3 boxes of wine and a freezer full of food.