We are breaking records. This is what our ABC local channel said - We had -15 degrees on Monday
breaking a record made in 1884. On Tuesday it was -14. Haven't had that since 1994. National news tell
us this - a prisoner escaped a prison and then turned himself in because it was so cold.
When I got up this morning my inside temperature guide said it was -12 outside. I felt like it had come inside! This apartment leaks the heat out and and the cold in. As an example - I had a plate of butter
on the kitchen counter and it was the same consistency as if it was in the refrigerator. A dishcloth usually dries overnight. This A.M. it was a frozen lump. The thermostat is set @ 76 and the inside temp is 64. Poor furnace just can't keep up. I have three layers on below - pants, thermal underwear and two
layers of slacks - top has thermal underwear, fleece top and sweatshirt. I keep my feet up on a variety
of footstools because the floor is sooooooooooooo cold. (When I re-did the living space I had the carpet
torn up {Billy did this} and had the floor painted. That left me with little buffer for the cold from the basement).
I got an e-mail from my friend in Florida who said, in a sad voice, "It is only 32 degrees here". What I would give for 32 degrees. She sent me this wonderful story and I want to share it with you.
Whoever you are who wrote this: I give you full credit for it but I just MUST share it!
DIARY OF A DEMENTED SNOW SHOVELER
December 8: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and
sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a
Grandma Moses print. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the land-
scape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was
the best idea I ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me
not to worry. We'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob
says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.
I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the
wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was out for five
hours. I had to pile on the blankets to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right.
I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 18: Electricity is back on but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snowblower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will do it and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell
today and it's so cold it probably won't melt til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out and shovel. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2 inches of snow today and it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate
the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She said she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6 inches - snow packed so hard by snowplow I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols and open our presents
but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow
December 25: Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn stuff tonight. Snowed in. The idea
of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. My wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's an idiot. If I have to watch "A Wonderful Life" one more time I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea! She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of
waiting for him. He only charged me $1400 to replace the pipes.
December 28: Warmed up to -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the
silliest thing I've ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver and now he is suing me for one million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his
ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9 more inches predicted.
December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
When I got this from my friend Carol and read it, I laughed until I cried and at one point, had trouble
catching my breath. My BFF, Marlene, has no computer so I called her and read it to her and, again,
had a laughing fit. Now, as I type this, I am laughing and when I proof-read it I laugh again. I
don't know if the readers of my blog will find it as funny as I have found it, but I don't give a shit
whether you do or not. I do!
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